Happy new year?
One could be optimistic.
But it was rather shitty, actually. By the time 2012 was approaching, I found myself surrounded by weird people, feeling cold, dizzy, distraught and totally sick. I drank too much and I mixed up drinks, which made me feel absolutely miserable. I thought I was going to die. Then I started getting crazy thinking that I was being such a pain, and my boyfriend wouldn’t love me anymore, and all of the same old
shit. It’s freaking paranoia but as I wasn’t feeling well it really got into me and I started pouring tears. Then I managed to control myself, simply by asking my boyfriend: do you love me? And then he said he did and I could calm down a little bit.
I realized that I’m actually scared of crowds. Of course, there was the alcohol factor, but I’ve never been a big fan of crowds. I get really nervous. I go to crowded places, I go to rock concerts, but sometimes it really gets into me, especially if I’m feeling sick.
And I also I realized that when I panic, I tend to have these suicidal selfpitty shitty thoughts. Over and over the years. I really gotta leave that stuff behind. A sense of worthlessness. But I must admit that I’m feeling much better now. I still think 2012 is gonna be a great fucking year.