Bad hair day

I haven’t washed my hair. It’s kinda dirty. I’ll probably wash it today. I’m feeling restless and sick, and sad. Things seem so difficult sometimes. I wish things were just like on television: “call 555 now and turn your life around! Become rich and fabulous! Nevermind your problems, they’ll be gone! Call now!”

But that’s not the way life goes. And people are very dramatic indeed. I try not to be. I hate drama in real life. All I wanted is to smile again. And sleep again. Have proper sleep.

But I keep having these dreams, these weird scary dreams. Tonight someone cut my throat. A woman. I don’t know who she was nor why she wanted to kill me. I bled but I didn’t die. Then my boyfriend and 2 other men, also unknown, grabbed big knives and one of them slashed the woman’s throat and she asked why. I said: because you did the same to me. But she died.

Oh God do I feel sick.

I wish I could go home and spend the whole day in bed. But I can’t. Something nice could happen today. For a change.

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And so this is Christmas…

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Happy new year?

One could be optimistic.

But it was rather shitty, actually. By the time 2012 was approaching, I found myself surrounded by weird people, feeling cold, dizzy, distraught and totally sick. I drank too much and I mixed up drinks, which made me feel absolutely miserable. I thought I was going to die. Then I started getting crazy thinking that I was being such a pain, and my boyfriend wouldn’t love me anymore, and all of the same old

Will this really be the end?
2012 is gonna be 2012?

shit. It’s freaking paranoia but as I wasn’t feeling well it really got into me and I started pouring tears. Then I managed to control myself, simply by asking my boyfriend: do you love me? And then he said he did and I could calm down a little bit.

I realized that I’m actually scared of crowds. Of course, there was the alcohol factor, but I’ve never been a big fan of crowds. I get really nervous. I go to crowded places, I go to rock concerts, but sometimes it really gets into me, especially if I’m feeling sick.

And I also I realized that when I panic, I tend to have these suicidal selfpitty shitty thoughts. Over and over the years. I really gotta leave that stuff behind. A sense of worthlessness. But I must admit that I’m feeling much better now. I still think 2012 is gonna be a great fucking year.

Rock on.

Who needs a therapist when you can blog?

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So… I’ve decided to spill my guts out here. Not literally, though. But I need to talk (or rather write) all that comes to my mind, because I need psycho teraphy but I ain’t got money for that shit.

I don’t expect people to read this. And if they do, they’ll probably don’t like it. My mind is in trouble sometimes.

But I guess my main problem is that I’m way too normal and coherent for a crazy person.

I had a dream tonight about an ex ex ex (oh my God, do we have to go through this?) boyfriend. It’s always him that my brain likes to go over and over and over. So in the dream we were together and went to a japanese restaurant. Then he said he had to go to the toilet and took ages to come back. The place got crowded (it was really a weird place and no japanese people in the dream) and then he appeared. I was sure he had spent all that time with another girl and I got mad at him.

Yesterday I had a Brazilian wax. Which means that my anus was waxed (that part, strangely, didn’t hurt, but the rest was pure torture). And in the dream I wanted to show him my waxed anus. LOL. And he said I was disgusting and he didn’t want to see my waxed arse.

And we argued, and argued. Then I argued with some crazy bitch that years ago used to date a person I ended up marrying. That bitch stalked me for more than a year. In the dream I just called her slut and other nice names. She was at the same restaurant.

I woke up feeling like I had spent the night working. I usually remember my dreams and that actually sucks, because it feels like I never really sleep, I’m always in action, and it’s kinda tiring. I want to dose off and wake up the other day not remembering any sight of a dream as other (normal) people do. I’ve tried booze and klonopin, but none seems to work, so I decided to cut coffee. Maybe it’s just that I drink too much coffee.

I’m not actually into drugs. Nor into starving. Or bingeing. Nor into much of anything, really.

I had a severe depression not so long ago and I’m still recovering. Don’t seem to find much joy in things and when I do, I almost automatically try to put myself down thinking: what’s the use? We’re all gonna die and nothing makes sense and some shit like this. I have a boyfriend for more than 2 years now. When we met I was severelly depressed, as I said, and he stayed with me and helped me go through those horrible times. I doubt I’d have made it without him. And the truth is, I didn’t like him. I guess I stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone. I guess I didn’t like him because I hated myself and I thought he was shit for loving me. And now things have changed and I see how much I underestimated him and how badly I treated him sometimes and I’m REALLY scared because now I LOVE HIM and I am paranoid that he’ll dump me, he’ll find someone else, someone “normal” and just leave me, cheat on me, do awful stuff.

I get absolutely jealous and I don’t argue with him, but I argue with myself, I have to dwell with myself all the time not to lose it and start yelling at him, and the walls, and everything around me just because I am really scared that I might lose him and get heartbroken again cuz I think I wouldn’t survive another heartbreak. Must be why I had a dream about G (the ex ex ex). He was my first love and major heartbreak. We spent 6 years together all through high school and college and he cheated on me many times.

Then I went on a spiral of failed relationships that got me to get married to a total scumbag and my divorce led me into a major depression. And I’m just 33. No, I ain’t got kids. Yet. But I got 2 cats, that’s well enough.