So… I’ve decided to spill my guts out here. Not literally, though. But I need to talk (or rather write) all that comes to my mind, because I need psycho teraphy but I ain’t got money for that shit.
I don’t expect people to read this. And if they do, they’ll probably don’t like it. My mind is in trouble sometimes.
But I guess my main problem is that I’m way too normal and coherent for a crazy person.
I had a dream tonight about an ex ex ex (oh my God, do we have to go through this?) boyfriend. It’s always him that my brain likes to go over and over and over. So in the dream we were together and went to a japanese restaurant. Then he said he had to go to the toilet and took ages to come back. The place got crowded (it was really a weird place and no japanese people in the dream) and then he appeared. I was sure he had spent all that time with another girl and I got mad at him.
Yesterday I had a Brazilian wax. Which means that my anus was waxed (that part, strangely, didn’t hurt, but the rest was pure torture). And in the dream I wanted to show him my waxed anus. LOL. And he said I was disgusting and he didn’t want to see my waxed arse.
And we argued, and argued. Then I argued with some crazy bitch that years ago used to date a person I ended up marrying. That bitch stalked me for more than a year. In the dream I just called her slut and other nice names. She was at the same restaurant.
I woke up feeling like I had spent the night working. I usually remember my dreams and that actually sucks, because it feels like I never really sleep, I’m always in action, and it’s kinda tiring. I want to dose off and wake up the other day not remembering any sight of a dream as other (normal) people do. I’ve tried booze and klonopin, but none seems to work, so I decided to cut coffee. Maybe it’s just that I drink too much coffee.
I’m not actually into drugs. Nor into starving. Or bingeing. Nor into much of anything, really.
I had a severe depression not so long ago and I’m still recovering. Don’t seem to find much joy in things and when I do, I almost automatically try to put myself down thinking: what’s the use? We’re all gonna die and nothing makes sense and some shit like this. I have a boyfriend for more than 2 years now. When we met I was severelly depressed, as I said, and he stayed with me and helped me go through those horrible times. I doubt I’d have made it without him. And the truth is, I didn’t like him. I guess I stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone. I guess I didn’t like him because I hated myself and I thought he was shit for loving me. And now things have changed and I see how much I underestimated him and how badly I treated him sometimes and I’m REALLY scared because now I LOVE HIM and I am paranoid that he’ll dump me, he’ll find someone else, someone “normal” and just leave me, cheat on me, do awful stuff.
I get absolutely jealous and I don’t argue with him, but I argue with myself, I have to dwell with myself all the time not to lose it and start yelling at him, and the walls, and everything around me just because I am really scared that I might lose him and get heartbroken again cuz I think I wouldn’t survive another heartbreak. Must be why I had a dream about G (the ex ex ex). He was my first love and major heartbreak. We spent 6 years together all through high school and college and he cheated on me many times.
Then I went on a spiral of failed relationships that got me to get married to a total scumbag and my divorce led me into a major depression. And I’m just 33. No, I ain’t got kids. Yet. But I got 2 cats, that’s well enough.